


yesterday's teardrops are today's smile

by Rethira



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-02
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-25 10:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/952042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rethira/pseuds/Rethira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Has sharing a bed ever been so traumatic?</p>
            </blockquote>





	yesterday's teardrops are today's smile

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jonphaedrus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonphaedrus/gifts).



> half written for my sharing a bed square for trope bingo, half written because fucking tales of xillia
> 
> MAJOR SPOILERS FOR TALES OF XILLIA

Alvin shoves Jude away, or tries to. Jude just calmly resists, clasping Alvin’s hands.

“Alvin,” Jude murmurs, “calm down.”

“How- _how can you just say that_?” Alvin snaps, dropping his head.

Jude squeezes his hands and leans forward, pressing his forehead against Alvin’s. “It’s okay,” Jude replies. “It’s all alright now.” Alvin shakes, chokes back a sob. Jude releases his hand and cups Alvin’s chin, tilting it up. His eyes are warm and gentle, and his voice is soft when he says, “I forgive you.”

Alvin shakes his head, repeating, “No, no, no,” over and over – Jude kisses his forehead, brushes his tears away. “You _can’t_ ,” Alvin insists, “you _can’t_.”

“Shhh,” Jude murmurs, drawing Alvin against his chest, enfolding him in a hug. “It’s all alright.” He doesn’t seem to mind that Alvin’s crying on his shoulder, great shuddering sobs escaping him. He pets Alvin’s hair gently, murmuring soothing nonsense words.

When Alvin’s sobs trail off, Jude helps him up and half carries him back to the inn and back upstairs to their room. Rowen’s still fast asleep; he doesn’t so much as twitch at the creak of the door. Jude sits Alvin down on the bed and helps take off his boots and coat, before gently pushing him back to lie on the bed properly. Almost immediately, he rolls over and curls in on himself, scrunching his eyes shut and trying to force his breathing into something approaching even.

After a moment, the bed dips behind Alvin, and then arms wrap around his waist. Gentle hands tug him back, until he’s pressed all along the line of Jude’s chest.

“Get some sleep,” Jude admonishes, voice as gentle as his hands. He doesn’t let go all night.

 

The next time they stop at an inn, the only rooms available are one with three beds and one with two beds. Jude immediately says he’ll bunk with Alvin; if anyone notices the way Alvin’s shoulders hike up, they don’t say anything.

Rowen goes to sleep just as easily as he always does, soon enough filling the room with his soft snores. Jude’s breathing is even and relaxed, but Alvin-

He can’t sleep, and with Jude’s arms holding him in place, he can’t go for a walk either.

Jude frowns when they get up in the morning, but they’ve got to be moving on so he doesn’t say anything. Alvin’s tense all day and off his game besides – by mid-morning, he’s exhausted. Jude takes Milla aside for a little while, and when they come back she announces that she, Rowen, Leia and Elize will be doing the fighting for now. The others all glance between themselves, but there aren’t any objections.

Alvin holds his tongue as well, although he’s not happy about it. Jude gives him an unreadable look and doesn’t stray far from his side, although they walk in near silence. His hand brushes Alvin’s once or twice, and, while the others are fighting, he says, “We should talk later,” his voice soft.

“Fine,” Alvin bites out, then promptly goes back to trying to ignore Jude.

Jude sighs, but doesn’t push – at lunch, he presses a panacea bottle into his hand and says, sternly, “Drink all of it.”

Alvin still feels like shit afterwards, but at least he’s not about to collapse any more.

They stop for the night earlier than usual. Jude pays upfront for five rooms and then disappears off to the market alone. He’s not back in time for dinner, but apparently left orders with Milla to make sure Alvin eats something – she watches him like a hawk the entire meal, and it’s so obvious and awkward that Elize asks Leia, in a loud whisper, “Why is Milla staring at Alvin like that?”

Leia just shakes her head quickly and, unsubtly segues into a discussion about the cuteness of the monsters they saw today. Elize looks hurriedly between Milla and Alvin before agreeing that the little duck monsters had been exceptionally cute – “But not as cute as Teepo!” – before Teepo complains that most of the monsters are really gross. Rowen tentatively joins the conversation; Milla continues watching Alvin, until he finishes his meal and pushes away from the table.

“I’m going to bed,” he announces, leaving before Milla can object.

Jude gets back before Alvin’s managed to fall asleep. He looks a little tired when he walks in, but pleased about something. He touches Alvin’s shoulder gently, and murmurs, “Alvin.”

Alvin shakes his hand off and sits up. “What?” he snaps. He’s hardly in the mood for Jude’s mothering right now.

“I got you these,” Jude says, producing a little bottle of pills. “They’re sleeping pills – take one before bed.” A wry smile appears on his face. “I _would_ cast a sleeping arte on you, but I think these are more reliable for the long term.” He doesn’t say what they’re both thinking – if Alvin betrays them again, then Jude won’t be around to cast any artes. When Alvin goes to snatch it, Jude pulls his hand back. “I’m trusting you with these, Alvin. I’m trusting you not to misuse them.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. You want me to take pills, so I’ll take the damn pills,” Alvin grouches. This time he does snatch the pills out of Jude’s hand and wrenches the lid off. There’s a moment – but then he carefully tips out one and swallows it dry. “Happy now, Doctor Jude?”

Jude isn’t smiling anymore; his eyes are hard and unreadable. “Just go to sleep,” he says, gently pushing Alvin back on the bed. This time when he joins Alvin, he curls against Alvin’s chest, his face pressed against his shoulder. Alvin tentatively places his hand on Jude’s hip; Jude just presses closer, his arms winding around Alvin’s back.

The pill must work, because the next thing Alvin remembers is Jude carefully extricating himself from Alvin in the morning.

 

Despite Jude’s mention of a talk, they don’t actually talk much. The monsters are pretty tough, and Elize seems to have decided that Jude’s spent long enough paying attention to Alvin; she and Teepo hang off him pretty much the entire day.

It’s a relief really. He’s slept – not _well_ , Alvin would say, but he slept the night through and that’s. That’s not something he _does_. He’s still wound up, tenser than he’d like. Some of it shifts when he’s fighting, when Milla lets him, but it comes back as soon as they hit the next inn. He doesn’t stick around to find out what their sleeping arrangements are for the night, instead muttering a quick excuse of, “Going for a walk,” before disappearing out the door.

They’re in a sea haven, so there’s a cool, brisk wind blowing all across it. The ocean’s right there, and this time of day there’s hardly anyone around – they’ve all gone back for dinner, or moved onto the ship. True, there’re still people wandering the market, and the dock isn’t empty yet, but....

It would be so easy.

He can still see Jude’s face, the lifeless look in those eyes. _Kill me_ , he’d said. _Kill them_ , Muzét had said. _Kill her_ , Exodus had ordered. _Kill her and kill him if he gets in your way_ , they’d ordered.

It would have been so _easy_.

Jude hadn’t fought back. Jude had barely been standing. He could’ve- could’ve shot him a hundred times over; red all over the wall of the shack when Leia came back, Jude slumped lifeless on the bed. Alvin’s hands clench. And then he’d have shot her too, in the back, like he did- he didn’t mean to.  
 _  
He didn’t mean to_. His finger had- his hand had tensed. He’d been- it was an accident. He hadn’t meant to. When he closes his hands her blood is on his hands. She’s still alive, probably laughing, but he’d still-

The sea is right there.

They’d never even know.

Alvin takes a step back from the edge, then another. His nails dig crescents into his hands and the sea roars; when Alvin turns his head, Jude is standing there, watching him.

“I wasn’t-” Alvin begins. He cuts himself off. He isn’t going to lie.

Jude’s eyes widen. He glances between the sea and Alvin rapidly, as if he doesn’t quite understand – when he cries Alvin’s name, it’s the most agonising thing Alvin’s ever heard.

Jude’s arms are like a vice around him. He’s crying. Saying something, but Alvin can’t hear it over the rushing in his ears. They stand there for – for what? A minute? An hour? An eternity? Jude’s arms are solid and warm around Alvin’s waist. Jude’s face is pressed into his chest, pressed against his scarf. He’s shaking, or maybe they both are. Someone walks past them, sends Alvin a dirty look but otherwise doesn’t do anything.

Alvin realises he’s saying, “I’m sorry,” over and over. Quietly, so other people might not hear. Loud enough that Jude can. Jude’s arms squeeze tighter for a moment and then relax. He looks up; his eyes are red and puffy, his face is a mess. He looks shattered. Like when Milla-

“You have to promise me,” Jude says, voice trembling. “You have to promise you will _never_ , _ever_ do something like that. You have to promise.”

“Would you even believe me if I did?” Alvin asks. His voice cracks, just a little.

Jude’s arms tighten again. “It doesn’t matter if I do or not. What matters is that you promise.”

Alvin takes a breath. “Yeah,” he murmurs, “yeah, I promise.”

 

Jude’s hand is tight around Alvin’s. Milla gives them an inscrutable look upon their return to the inn, before saying that Rowen has taken Leia and Elize shopping. Jude nods absently and tells her they’re turning in for the night – he drags Alvin up to the front desk and asks if they can have dinner in their room. The receptionist glances anxiously between them and their joined hands, before slowly turning pink and stammering that “Y-yes, of course you can!”

As they’re going to their room, Alvin drops his voice and murmurs, “I think we gave her the wrong idea.”

Jude just squeezes Alvin’s hand and replies, “What makes you think that?” He unlocks the door and chivvies Alvin inside, finally letting go of his hand to lock the door behind them.

Alvin clears his throat. “Well, I think she thought-”

Jude shakes his head. “No, not that. I mean, what makes you think that was the _wrong_ idea?”

It takes Alvin a moment, but when it clicks, he exclaims, “You _cannot_ be serious.”

Jude takes Alvin’s hands again; the expression on his face is one Alvin’s never had directed at him before. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” He leans into Alvin’s chest and murmurs, “I’m putting it on the table, but nothing has to happen.”

Alvin breaths out a sigh of relief and follows when Jude tugs him over to the bed. He gently pushes Alvin into sitting on it and then tucks himself between Alvin’s legs, his back to Alvin’s chest. When Alvin doesn’t immediately react, Jude pulls Alvin’s arms around his waist and slowly relaxes.

Alvin sits there, a little nonplussed but....

His arms tighten around Jude, just a little.

 

They must fall asleep at some point, although Alvin doesn’t remember it. Jude’s facing him now, and they’re squeezed together in a bed not quite big enough for them. Jude looks painfully innocent when he sleeps. Too young for all the things they’ve seen. Too young for all the things he’s done.

Too young for the things that are coming.

 

Milla leads them on the long road from Aladhi Seahaven to her shrine. They stand before the rift, and she asks if they’re all ready. Jude squeezes Alvin’s hand once before they jump in.

 

Afterwards, Milla sends them back – they land outside her shrine. The sun is shining. Jude turns and presses his face into Alvin’s chest, and cries great heaving sobs, his arms wrapping around Alvin. A little apart from them, Alvin sees Gaius fall to his knees over Wingul’s corpse, but then Alvin ducks his head and closes his eyes and just... tries not to cry.

He doesn’t succeed.

 

By the time they make it to Sharilton, Alvin is feeling more himself. Jude’s still shaking and clinging to Alvin, like he’ll leave too if Jude lets go. Leia, Rowen and Elize lead the way – Gaius parted ways with them at Aladhi Seahaven, when Karla came running over, a platoon of Auj Oul soldiers behind her. Wingul’s body had been cradled in his arms.

Driselle meets them and hurries them inside. Elize takes Alvin’s hand and leads him upstairs; he thinks they must make a funny procession. Elize leading him leading Jude. No-one comments on it. Elize tells Alvin to put Jude to bed and closes the door gently behind her, and for a moment, Alvin feels completely lost.

But then Jude sobs again, and it’s easy to just lay him down on the bed and he won’t let go so Alvin curls around him and hushes him. He can’t bring himself to say it will be okay. He said he wouldn’t lie again.

“Don’t leave,” Jude whispers. “Don’t leave me again.”

“I won’t,” Alvin promises.

It’s a promise he intends to keep.


End file.
